January 2019

First month in, and already so much has happened! The year started off wonderfully, and I could not believe how lucky I was. We picked up our new doggy on the 5^th of January. He is a rescue dog called Stevie, and I honestly love him with my whole heart. I have always wanted a dog, and as much as I love animals, I didn’t realise how much love you could have for one little four-legged creature until now. I am so happy that him and his waggy tail are there for me when I’m sad or anxious, and taking him for walks is so therapeutic.

              As much as circumstances were brilliant at the beginning of the year, this was tainted by a lot of anxiety. I now only have around 4 months left of school, which is exciting, but also terrifying, as my exams in Summer will determine whether I get into my first choice university or not. I’ve been working my ass off, whilst juggling a lot of anxiety and depression, which has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do.

              On the subject of mental health, I actually got my act together a bit. After meaning to for around a year, I finally went to the doctor’s about my mental health, and have been referred for some therapy, which I am so thankful for. I received therapy when I was younger – I actually got discharged exactly three years ago! – and found it very helpful to just talk to someone and have an outsider’s perspective on my life and my troubles. It doesn’t seem to me like a failure to have to go back, I feel proud of myself for being brave enough to do it, and I’m so excited to receive the help I so desperately need.

              In order to take care of myself better and to really work for the grades I need, I made the decision this month to hand in my notice at work. I’ve been in the same job for two years and absolutely love it, but losing a day every week that could be spent sleeping and/or doing school work was causing a lot of stress, which was detrimental to my health. Although I love earning my own money, it’s a sacrifice I’ve had to make for myself, and again, I am proud of myself for being brave enough to do what I know is right for me.

              Excitingly, I turned 18 this month! My friends and family helped make the day super special, and celebrating it with all the people I care about made me feel so lucky. To everyone I saw either on my birthday or at my party, I fucking love you and am glad to have you in my life. Having my birthday slap bang in the middle of the month was actually perfect for me, as it allowed me to get my head off all the things that were worrying or stressing me and just have fun.

              Honestly, this month has been super difficult, and I’ve hit some absolute lows, but luckily, I feel more equipped than I ever have done to cope with my negative thoughts and feelings. Spending time with friends and family, reading, writing and taking Stevie for walks are all things that have made me feel more like myself. 2019 has been rocky so far, and I definitely had some 2018 issues seep through the stroke of midnight which had promised so much change. I’m making changes in my life that have been long overdue, and I’m giving myself the time and love I deserve. Bring on February x

18 Things I've Learned in 18 Years

18 THINGS I’VE LEARNED IN 18 YEARS

I turned 18 yesterday, so now I feel old, wise, and reflective. I know that being 18 will be filled with alcohol, friends and fun, but being 0-17 taught me a lot of lessons that I’ll bring through this year with me. Here’s 18 things I’ve learned in the past 18 years!

1.       Always trust your gut

This is first and foremost. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it! You don’t need a reason or an explanation, your gut knows some things for you. Likewise, if your gut is telling you to do something, go for it!

2.       Always be kind

You truly never know what’s going on in someone else’s life, and saying something hurtful can be enough to ruin their day, but something kind could be enough to make their day. Kind actions, thoughts and words can go a lot further than you think.

3.       Never diet

Whenever you want to diet, think about who is profiting of your decision, because it definitely isn’t you. Most diets fail, and you’ll out back on the weight you lost. I wouldn’t have developed an eating disorder if I wasn’t introduced to diet culture at such a young age, so now I stay away from conversations and areas of the internet that promote this. No need to diet to be valued and beautiful.

4.       You are your own boss

Even though you will have authority figures in life, you are in charge of the way that you act. This means that you need to motivate yourself to work hard, you need to trust yourself the most, and you need to give yourself breaks. People can guide you, but they aren’t you.

5.       Love yourself

My life would have been so different if I simply started to love myself at a younger age. It’s okay to have a round face or uneven skin or scars. It’s all just part of you, and if you can’t change it, you might as well love it.

6.       Take pictures and make notes

So often I look through pictures or notebooks and come across so many memories that I’d forgotten about till that moment. Life is full of so many precious moments that are worth capturing and keeping. Even things that seem irrelevant now may be so important to you when you’re older.

7.       Do things sooner rather than later

Whether it’s writing an essay or tidying your room, you’ll feel better if you do it straight away. Get all the boring shit done and then give yourself the rest that you need and deserve afterwards.

8.       Take breaks

This is something I literally learnt the importance of in the last month or so. Taking breaks doesn’t just mean going to the toilet and making coffee, it means spending time with your friends and family, watching films and TV, and sometimes taking whole days off without feeling guilty. You’ll feel more relaxed when you get back into things and therefore be way more productive. Taking breaks is just as important as the work itself, and it’s a key part of the cycle of work.

9.       Never settle for less than you deserve

Whether its friends, money or boys, you know what you deserve, so go get it. I wasted so much of my life being scared to speak up for myself or scared to initiate change, when really change is the best thing. Know your worth, and make sure you are treated to that level.

10.   Mother knows best

All of the best advice I’ve ever received has come from my mum. This includes: 1) if you won’t still be worrying about it in a week, then its not worth worrying about now, 2) it doesn’t matter if you can’t get to sleep, as long as you’re resting, and 3) always listen to your mother.

11.   Crying is a great way to heal

And I’m talking about those massive cries that come from the pit of your stomach and the depth of your soul. One of those every now and then really gets a hell of a lot out of you, and afterwards you are good to go.

12.   Always carry lip balm

I learnt this lesson the hard way when I went to Moscow last Winter and the cold made my lips drier than a nun’s vagina. Keep your friends close, and your lip balm closer, seriously.

13.   Everything happens for a reason, so don’t have any regrets.

All the shit things that have happened in my life, I can see exactly know what led up to them, and what they led to. Everything always falls into place, and bad things either teach you important lessons, or lead to good things. Don’t underestimate fate. Every mistake you made felt right in the moment, so don’t be hard on yourself for sometimes making the wrong decisions.

14.   Look out for yourself

People can try their best, but they’ll never be able to look out for you as much as you can for yourself. Make sure you eat, drink water and make time for yourself, because people won’t always be there to do that for you.

15.   Dream big

Set yourself massive goals. I want to get the grades to get into my first choice uni, and so I tell myself every single day that I will do it. Sometimes things are out of your control and don’t happen the way you want, but at least if they fail, you can say that you tried your best.

16.   Keep busy

Whenever times get tough for me, I don’t stop to wallow in self-pity (that much…) because I know that carrying on, putting a smile on my face and sticking to my normal routine will help me emotionally adjust more than anything. I’m not saying you should try and numb yourself to emotion, but know that healing can happen while you get on with your life, so surround yourself with people, go to new places and keep your mind filled with things that inspire you.

17.   Starbucks is good for your mental health, even if it is bad for your bank account

I mean this for a multitude of reasons. When you’re feeling shitty and force yourself into a normal situation, like a coffee shop, you automatically feel more normal and are forced to interact with another human. It’s also a good place to go to take a break – I remember going to Starbucks with my dad during my GCSEs just to get away from the textbooks. Also, it’s just nice to have a coffee and feel re-energised sometimes.

18.   Talk to your friends about the good times and the bad

Talking about the good times makes you appreciate them even more, and sharing your happy experiences can make other people happy too! On the other hand, a problem shared is a problem halved, and talking about the bad times can help to get shit off your chest and get the support you need. Your friends will have your best interests at heart, and know when they have to give you sympathy and love, or sometimes when they just need to tell you to get your shit together.

Now, time to enjoy this year x