Written: April 2018
Title: All I've Lost
Started with a mutual love for the simple things,
No wonder it got so complicated,
It's all inside my head.
From the tear in my eye to the tear in my heart,
The temptation to re-open my scars,
It hurts to admire you so.
If time is of the essence, I am essentially nothing,
A central catalyst of hopelessness,
My brain plagued by my heart,
It beats only for you.
Hurt me or adore me,
You won't do both,
You can't do both.
The clouds seep through my skull,
Hands meet, lips touch, lives collide, hearts bleed,
You're not listening.
All this bullshit for an audience of one,
You're playing with my heart as I play my words back over in my head,
Close your eyes and lean in.
I won't pretend the scars don't exist,
Another thing we have in common,
Let your darling head get some rest.
A snowflake in the sun,
Fading away,
That smile. Your eyes.
Your tears just won't fall,
Won't you fall for me?
The same three lines, calling out for you.
What have we done to each other?
What have I become?
A girl that loved a girl with a beautiful smile.
Written: March 2018
Title: You
Does fear exert my loneliness?
You're not what I expected,
Just a little more kind.
Not want what I wanted,
But everything I needed,
Lust and expectation.
How is everything so different when so little has changed?
I'll forgive you for the words you said. You gave me someone else to strike my hopeless words at when Cupid got sick.
Three years on and I think it's about time.
If time is of the essence then where is the sense of urgency?
Your company is not the kisses I crave,
Your words can't touch,
Touching distance.
Am I weaker?
It's not that I'm a product of infatuation,
Distraction won that game,
I just somehow want you closer when you're right inside my head.
How is it that you've entered my dreams?
I let you into my head and now you paralyse my thoughts whilst I lay in bed,
Not begging but hoping as a girl so hopeless, helpless, I'm always less.
Have I found the strength that allows me to feel?
These words aren't daggers,
They're mirrors so you can see what the fuck you're doing to me,
What I wish you could be doing to me.
Written: February 2018
Title: Deceptive Beauty
Your lips on mine, sealed.
Time on our hands but our hands in each other’s.
Buried, smothered, lost.
A skeleton with bones of deception,
An infallible smile,
As lonely as a rose in the desert.
My left thigh burned as your eyes met my scars,
You knew you weren’t discrete when you hung my head in your
noose and it was no secret when you choked me with your lies,
What lies under that façade?
I may be a liability but I can see you lying to me as you
lie with me,
You hide a smile that I can see.
Scheduling affections, cutting them before they overgrow,
Not letting anybody see the rose-tinted hurt,
Hurt me again, I dare you to try,
With your heartbeat nearly as loud as your breath on my neck
you cut open,
Your eyes, striking me…buried, smothered, lost.
I could have been dreaming. I didn’t say no,
To your kisses or goodbyes whilst I choked on another try,
Try it one more time, you said. There was so much you left
unsaid.
Oblivious hands meet for a night as cold as the way you
looked at me last fall,
Fall into my arms before I fall for your lies.
You can’t speak when you’re dead,
Buried, smothered, lost.
I choose your poisoned kiss.
You will be the sadness in my eyes and the muse from which I
thrive.
Losing myself at the thought of losing you.
You tugged at my mind with empty metaphors and promises far
before you tugged at my clothes.
Trapped in this lust disguised as devoted trust disguised as
mortal…or moral.
If this were written in the stars then I don’t want to join
the dots,
The lie we lived infects your
skull,
All you owe to me is goodbye and
all I know of you is your lie.
Here’s my second wish, chance,
attempt,
Has my skin been turned inside
out? Is that why I’m numb?
When you shut the door on an old
lie after risking the bittersweet truth,
The victim turned lover becomes
an enemy turned stranger,
The petals become blood…you touch
them like it’s nothing.
Written: November 2017
Title: Winter
Cold hearts fade in the company of the shattered stars that fall from the sky whilst eyes become heavy and hands become limp,
Minds become frail and hearts become open,
Skin becomes frozen and lips become parted,
Truths become heavy and the night becomes a torrent of whispers you can't get back.
With awe we look but don't dare touch,
Cold under the skin, it's running through your bones,
Ice for a heart,
How long till it shatters?
The night's so cold I can see my breath,
Frozen in my tracks as I reach for a flame,
It's not the winter I was scared for but the darkness that will drown me,
Heart pounding, not beating.
Delirium or normality or just a tormented heaven?
It was you that took my heaven away,
I'm trying to forgive but learning to hurt,
I'm leaning in for "goodbye" whilst your grip tightens on my neck.
You're playing hard so get a grip,
You're listening close to a tape of misery,
There's a noose around your neck and a knife piercing your heart,
How did you choke me? My heart isn't beating for you.
Nothing at all pretty about the way that you pleaded,
Was it forgiveness you needed or a night in someone's arms?
He's holding me now, holding me back.
He's scaring me now, he's just like you.
He's touching me now, I'm crawling away.
I'm spelling your name out of tales and lies,
I'm choking on your words, you were never quite the same,
I'm biting my lip, not yours, my own,
It's just not the same.
I'm scared, not inviting your affections, intentions or persuasions,
Not knowing your strengths or lack thereof.
So when the snow falls,
I'll make an angel, not a promise,
And when the night comes,
My haunted dreams will be real.
When you walk away,
I'll be a martyr, not a saint.
One last kiss - it's lust, not love.
