MY RELATIONSHIP WITH ANXIETY
Having experienced anxiety my whole life, I started having
panic attacks when I was in year 8. Prior to this I’d felt anxiety when going
to new places or hanging out with new people but I never really recognised what
it was and it was just passed off as me being ‘shy’, which was ironic as I was
actually a really loud and confident person when I wasn’t in these situations
that triggered my anxiety. Everyone experiences anxiety to some level
throughout their lives whether they like it or not, and sometimes this is
normal, for example being nervous for a job interview or before talking in
front of lots of people. When your anxiety begins to impact your everyday life,
is when it becomes a problem.
MY FIRST PANIC ATTACKS
The first time this onset of uneven breathing, blurred
vision and irrational thinking came over me in the lovely package of a panic
attack, I didn’t really know what was happening to me. I remember it clearly
despite it being such a blur at the time. I was lying in bed, a perfectly happy
young girl, and suddenly a feeling of dread came over me, and that’s when it
started, and didn’t really stop. This continued every other day for around a
month. Petrified of what was happening to me, I didn’t really tell anybody.
Being the lil youth I was, I looked online for help, most notably watching a
Zoella video about anxiety and panic attacks. In no way do I wish to praise
Zoella, but this video did help me to understand what I was going through. It’s
good to know that you’re not alone and that you’re not going insane.
SPEAKING OUT
Whilst this was happening to me, I knew I needed help, and I
knew the first step of this would be to tell my mum. The thing is, I didn’t know
how. Mental health was never really something that had been spoken about openly
whilst I was growing up and so I didn’t really think that my mum would understand,
despite the fact that we had a good relationship and I knew could trust her. One
night however, I just gave in, feeling helpless and alone. Mid-panic attack, I
went into my mum’s room, covered in nervous sweat, consumed by uneven breaths,
with the usual feeling of dread and a cloudiness of thoughts. I said something
along the lines of “I can’t breathe, I’m having a panic attack, this keeps
happening to me”. I don’t remember her exact response – this was five years
ago! – but I remember her comfort and acceptance. I remember conversations in
days following this, when she’d tell me that everything I was worrying about, I
would no longer be worrying about in two weeks, and I just had to let the feeling
pass. Although this is no overwhelming advice, I still use it now, knowing that
all anxiety will eventually pass. What was now becoming a routine of panic
attacks however did not pass, and I needed more serious help.
GETTING BETTER
A key part to my recovery from anxiety was the help I
received from my friends. Having previously had low attendance at school due to
what developed into a fear of leaving the house, these people made me enjoy
going to school as I always had a great time hanging out with them. We’d also hang
out over the weekends which really helped develop my confidence and made me
readjust to going to new places. I knew they were always proud of me for my
growth and always there for me when I struggled, which was something I really
needed at the time.
I think one of the reasons that anxiety is so difficult for
me, is because I never really did get truly better. Although it comes in waves,
it does impact me greatly from time to time. However, I don’t let it impact me
so much or hold me back anymore. I saw what it did to my life before and I don’t
want to have to go through that again.
TIPS
KEEPING BUSY - Now I know that if my anxiety is about going out, it’s better for me to go out and do the thing that I’m scared of rather than stay at home and wallow in self-pity. If I keep myself busy and occupied with tasks I enjoy, I won’t think so much about what I’m dreading.
CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE -
Another way to think about things you’re anxious about, is to know that if you’re
anxious about something, that’s because its important and it matters to you, which
is a really good thing actually. When you’re nervous, it gives your body a
little bit more energy and makes you a little more alert, which can be really helpful
for when you’re nervous about things like tests or travelling.
PLAN AND PREPARE – If you
know you’ve got something coming up that you’re nervous about, prepare for it!
Say it’s a day out, write down everything that you need to bring with you, what
you’ll be doing at what time, what you’ll eat, how you’ll travel and what you’ll
do if something goes wrong. This’ll make you reassured that the day will go
well!
WRITE DOWN YO FEELINGS – At
the end of each day, it’s cathartic and therapeutic to write down the good and
bad parts of your day. It’ll help you to identify the good and eliminate the
bad. It can be tiny stuff as well, like if a smile from a stranger cheered you
up, write it down, or if you had your favourite meal, write it down! This’ll
help you to appreciate all the good things even if everything feels bad.
Writing down the bad stuff is good too, as it’ll help you recognise patterns.
For example, I found a trigger for my anxiety was my sister being mean to me
(sorry Chaz, but you were a bitch), and this helped me to realise that we
needed some time apart to help my brain. Writing shit down can also be a good
distraction from things you’re worrying about, and can also allow you to get
creative with cute drawings or coloured pens. All my notebooks are filled with
pink pen, I love that shit.
TALK TO PEOPLE – Anxiety
can leave you feeling really lonely. Talking to your friends and family is so
important. I remember saying to my dad “I don’t expect you to understand, but I
expect you to be understanding”, and I think that sums it up. Not everyone is
going to get it, because it is one of those things you can only understand if
you experience it first hand, but if you’re open and honest it makes it easier
for the people that are close to you to give you all the love and support you
deserve!
WHATS THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN?
– One of the things that gets me reaaaaallll anxious nowadays is when I
have to speak in public. But I literally just think to myself “what’s the worst
that can happen?”. I could say a word wrong? I might have to pause and take a
deep breath? But if that happens, who the fuck cares? I’ve got my driving test
coming up and I’m really nervous for it but like, the worst that can happen is
I fail, and sure that would be annoying, but I’d just do the test again.
Everything doesn’t always go smoothly, and that’s okay, but if something doesn’t
go quite right that doesn’t mean the universe is going to explode.
GET HELP – Although it
took me a painful amount of doctors’ visits to actually get help, it is really
important to try. There is support out there and the more you go to the doctors
and the more honest you are, the more likely you are to get it. I’m going to do
a separate blog post on my experience with the NHS and counselling throughout
my anxiety and depression, because it can be a pain in the ass.
All in all, don’t let yourself suffer alone. Anxiety can
honestly suck a dick but there are people out there that can help you, and you can
help yourself. Different things work for different people but hopefully reading
this can help any little anxious beans. Stay wonderful x
