Male Mental Health - Part 2

   Male Mental Health - Part 2

In  my last blog post I shared the set of answers I received for the first 5 questions I asked a group of males on social media concerning male mental health. Here are the answers I received for the final 5 questions.

*most answers have been cut down*

Why do you think suicide is the biggest killer of young men?

“I think because a lot of people can’t see a future where they work. Nothing they do really fits in with the stereotype and being different is incredibly difficult and taxing. For me personally I don’t want to fit in with the normal status quo of working 9-5. However men are told as well as instinctively more likely to want to protect and provide and overstretch themselves to make shit happen. Eventually we break down because we cant talk to anyone.”

“because as less men talk about their feelings, they bottle it up and unless they open up to someone else, it will reflect on themselves”

“because in our society, even now it’s considered unmanly to express your emotions and to keep it bottled up. It’s more masculine to just deal with it and preoccupy your mind with something else. But it’ll catch up on you.”

“I think there’s still more pressure for men to be making money, and economic reasons tie into a lack of support networks for younger men.”

“I think people’s addictions get the better of them. Gambling is a huge issue that isn’t focused on enough I feel. So many guys get themselves into horrible debt in horrible places through gambling, and its easier to end it than talk. My suicidal thoughts came from a sense of worthlessness and the break down of romantic relationships, professional identity at work and financial situations. It became too much and there feels like there’s no way out from it. I think there needs to be more support for people that need help financially. Burying your head in the sand is dangerous, and I feel like a lot of young men do that.”

“I feel like people just expect men to be able to handle everything and so most men suffering with suicidal thoughts feel like they don’t have anyone to go to.”

“because of the connotations associated with masculinity and being “strong” and “manning up””

“because things like that are more commonly taken seriously in women”

“It’s simply because men are too scared about their feelings in an attempt to look strong and show not a single sign of weakness.”

“Men being confused with their identity and lacking direction in life.”

“Many people feel that there is no outlet for what they feel. Their friends think it's all a big joke and people spiral to the point where they feel like they cant take it anymore.”

“I think its because of all the pressure and stress that no one else sees because of the mask that young men adopt for themselves. When it all crashes for them they feel even more isolated as they do not want to give up their masculinity to seek help.”

“I think because girls are more likely to confront their issues openly and realise if they’re feeling really terrible about stuff its something deeper. A male is more likely to suppress the idea of suffering from depression and anxiety, thinking its too rare for him to be suffering from. A guy will deal with the problem by leaving it and torturing himself until he feels there is no other solution.”

“the pressures of masculinity paired with the growing pressure on teens are both things that boys grow up with and are to a certain extent ingrained into who they are and become harder to escape.”

“I think most of it is probably because, whether the stereotype is true or false, men still feel an enormous pressure to at least be capable of providing in life. Young people do stupid things, in combination with the fact that the late teens - young adult age is when people first properly start to think about their place in the world are likely the two largest driving factors.”

 “Men fear amounting to nothing in life, everyone does. Men are also expected to be mental punching bags a lot of the time and there is still a huge stigma to talk publicly about that. This stereotype isn’t objectively bad, a lot of men go through hard times and come out stronger than they were before mentally, but people and men are different in a lot of different ways. Suicide is often seen as a twisted sort of way to take back control or make a difference to someone else’s life and in that way young men could see it as a means to finally amount to something.”

“From my experience, my overall desire to be a man played a part in how I was feeling.”

 What do you think are the stereotypes around men and mental health?

“men don’t have feelings. Nothing bothers us that much. We don’t cry in public so people cant see what is really affecting us. I also think its embarrassing for guys to go to counselling.”

“men shouldn’t talk about mental health and that if you do you’re sensitive and less masculine.”

“the stereotypes are mixed. You can be seen as weak to speak up about your mental health, or you can be seen as just an attention seeker. Because apparently men shouldn’t have emotions as it’s seen as “ladylike””.

“I think there’s a stereotype that only a certain type of man can be mentally unwell. You have to be rich enough to afford the time to be mentally unwell.”

“I honestly feel like male mental health has made a lot of progress. There’s a lot of presence on social media which is great, but I still don’t feel comfortable enough to talk. There is still stereotypes that men should just get on with it and man up, and I think that’s toxic.”

“I feel that some of the stereotypes are that men can just deal with everything placed against them and that men don’t experience major mental health issues, or if they do, they can just deal with it.”

“the obvious stereotype of being a “man” and all the things like “boys cant cry” and “just be a man” and all of that shit”

“men are stronger mentally so can just “get over it””

“A massive stereotype would be that men don’t want to share their feelings because they see mental health problems as a weakness”

“the stereotype is that men do not discuss their mental health issues”

“If you feel anything you’re automatically perceived as weak. You shouldn’t cry. It’s not okay.”

“I think the obvious one is the idea that men do not suffer from mental illnesses.”

“I think the idea of manning up over certain issues is common, which may work for some people suffering from mental health issues but for others it’ll lead to feelings of inferiority and deteriorate their mental health. I think also a male would find it a lot harder to express to a GP feelings of depression etc. and when it came to the meeting would change the subject because he’d feel stupid for believing he could suffer from an issue.”

“men should be able to deal with it on their own without help because being that strong, independent rock is what we are needed to be when raising a family. The stereotype is changing the more it’s challenged.”

“The well-known stereotype that men should be to just deal with their problems is definitely prevalent. I often feel guilty when I talk to people about problems in my personal life because I feel as if I’m forcing someone else to deal with issues that are mine and not theirs, even if they’re happy to help.”

 Do you think masculinity can be toxic? Why?

“Yes. Of course. Fights happen because of it. You lose friends and disappoint people.”

“Masculinity can be toxic, especially the connection between different generations.”

“Masculinity now is completely fragile and toxic. The amount of shaming towards feminine men, how  “oh you don’t act gay” is considered a compliment because being/acting gay is not an accepting thing and in actual fact comes across misogynistic….I was insulted by being called “girly””.

“Masculinity is fragile, because no one is comfortable enough in their own gender or sexuality enough and there’s always a standard that can never be reached because it’s far too demanding of something to create men into monsters who are heartless, careless, hateful and sad.”

“Men who are forced into this box of masculinity are not able to care or feel strongly enough which causes them to burst out either by harm or suicide. They’re not taught how to deal with their feeling properly and it upsets me to see men go through this and them thinking it’s a perfectly normal thing when it’s not.”

“I don’t know if masculinity in itself is toxic, but some masculine traits are.”

“I think toxic masculinity gets really twisted. Toxic masculinity to me is not feeling like I can do or say something because I’m a guy.”

“I wouldn’t say toxic, because there are some parts of masculinity that are good, but I do say that some parts of it can be bad for some.”

“Masculinity is nothing but toxic.”

“No. It’s a natural thing and it’s the people that are toxic, not masculinity or femininity.”

“Definitely. Masculinity can prevent men from opening up which leads them to feeling like they cant talk to anyone. Masculinity dictates men to take control of everything when they aren’t in control, and this can lead to violence.”

“I don’t think masculinity can be toxic, I think masculinity should be embraced as it is a natural part of being human.”

“Definitely. It often makes people feel like they cant fully express themselves. It can lead to unnecessary conflict where male pride gets in the way and people think they cant talk it out an get to the bottom of the emotions of a situation. But it doesn’t always have to be. You can have masculinity but if you don’t let it control you completely then it doesn’t have to cause any issues at all.”

“Masculinity can definitely be toxic for a lot of young men but I personally believe it has a lot of positives for men when they can express it through different outlets like sport. However, there is a massive inbetween for this as a lot of men do need to be masculine mentally to cope, but also need to be able to express stuff, which is considered feminine.”

“I know for a fact masculinity can be toxic because too much of anything is bad a for a person. When it’s a state of mind it is internally and externally detrimental to your wellbeing and the wellbeing of others around you.”

“Masculinity can definitely be toxic because it’s easy for a certain group of people in this case, men, to act on things they have observed, consciously or unconsciously, about another group of people in general, in this case, women which can be and are victims of this. Likewise, femininity can definitely be toxic and in many cases it’s almost or is acceptable for femininity to be just as, if not more toxic. The same could be said for any two groups which society as a whole view to be in opposition because they are based on generalisations. “

“I think toxic masculinity is used as a vague, blanket term and has often been used in a sexist manor. More often than not the person being accused of having “toxic masculinity” is just a toxic person for whatever reason, justified or not. It’s one of many terms which is commonly used to generalise the behaviour of a group of people to hide other issues associated with that group.”

     What do you think can happen to change the way that society views masculinity and male mental health?

“It’s kinda set in stone due to how long its been the same but I know there are helplines dedicated to young men suffering with depression and other mental health issues so that’s a start. I had counselling and none of my friends knew but they knew something had happened because I was feeling 10x better every week.”

“I think it can change as we get older. People could see that being open is okay and should be supported.”

“What we can do is prevent misogyny and misandry to all genders, be more open to express feelings from the inside, stop stigma against mental health, be more accepting of others, love yourself and others around you, know your worth and everyone can live and express everything carefree to help yourself and others. Who knows, maybe you speaking up about mental health can inspire other to open about theirs. It just takes one person to start a movement.”

“it needs to stop being viewed as a sickness suffered by lonely, isolated individuals. People need identity and jobs, they need to feel appreciated and the problem is that the modern world isn’t set up to accommodate that sort of thing. We need better localised support networks, better budgeting for the NHS, active destigmatization of mental health amongst men and we need to move over to a more compassionate care based societal model.”

“I honestly think that no significant progress can be made in the millennial generations and backwards. I think it’s something new that needs to be introduced into the new generations to come.”

“I feel like men’s mental health could be promoted in the media more to remove any stigma surrounding men’s mental health.”

“I can’t see it ever changing. Too many ignorant people who refused to open their minds up to education.”

“make it more mainstream and inform more people that it can affect everyone regardless of gender”

“It must be seen as good for men to share their feelings or problems and that its actually stronger and braver to comfort your problems rather than run away from them and ignore them”

“I think the main thing that needs to change is the idea of working beyond your capacity needs to be stopped but this applies to all genders. I believe overworking is the reason for most people’s unhappiness.”

“I’m honestly not sure. The only thing we can do is teach future generations that they can have emotions and not shut them down or make fun of them when they express themselves. But it is so deeply ingrained in our society that this is going to be a struggle.”

“When more men begin opening up about their mental health, it will become more of the norm which will encourage others to do so. It’s something that will just come eventually I think.”

“I think a lot of mental health charities get men to talk about it by saying there's a manly depression and then there's different depression so men don’t get embarrassed to admit it. I don’t know how positive this is though because I feel like other issues like self harm will always be seen as issues men can’t suffer from and this attitude to get men to talk about it will isolate further those suffering from other issues like anxiety. I feel like other issues like self harm will always be seen as issues men can’t suffer from and this attitude to get men to talk about it will isolate further those suffering from other issues like anxiety which will continue to be seen as female issues.”

“I think there needs to be a greater effort for men to be able to deal with all issues because ultimately feelings of suicide can happen to both sexes and men need to realise it doesn’t have to be a final and they can be suffering from a range of different issues.”

“All that needs to happen is conversation. Challenging a widely held belief can go a long way for yourself and others whether they agree or not.”

“I think the only positive change for views on masculinity is to accept that masculinity means different things to different men. Now, more than ever women have an objectively powerful voice in our society, the idea that masculinity Is something to purely impress women is an idea which seems to have come along with that which, really isn’t the case and, this contributes to this idea of a broad and vague term for “masculinity”. Male mental health problems are mental health problems with that man's meaning of masculinity thrown into the mix so to deal with male mental health problems, it’s important to realise that this man will have his own idea of masculinity and take that into account when helping him as an individual, not just a man.”

      Any final comments?

“A lot of people don’t help themselves which is really sad. We turn to easy options like drinking instead of taking the hard route to fix the problem at the source.”

“You shouldn’t have to be masculine to be a man, just be yourself.”

“Femininity is not something to be ashamed of, be comfortable in yourself, know you’re never alone to express your feelings, you don’t even have to see a fully trained doctor/therapist, even talking to a friend or someone in your family or even a total stranger can help open emotions you never thought you had. The more you speak about it, the easier it’ll get. I know me speaking out on my experiences is helping me now.”

“Only a radical solution will change our current mental health crisis.”

“Masculinity is a myth.”

“This topic needs to be talked about. People are getting hurt because of society’s views on what men should and shouldn’t feel and that’s not okay.”

“The conversation about male mental health is only just starting to open up and needs its own due time to be recognized. Contradictorily, I think the best way to address masculinity and its perceived problems both to men and women is to recognize the people affected as individuals and again, not just men. It’s always the generalisations that cause the problems.”

-Throughout this process, I've discovered that I'm probably guilty of being ignorant towards male mental health, whether that be assuming men have it easy or being frustrated within friendships and relationships. I always knew that male mental health was an issue, but I never realised how until now. The messages I received regarding the topic allowed me to find a level of respect for men that I honestly didn't have before. There is economic and social pressure, as well as pressure in many other walks of life. Many boys feel they have to internalise these feelings in order to appear strong, but we've got our stereotypes and our expectations entirely wrong. It's okay to cry, and it's okay to want change. We all do.

Male Mental Health - Part 1

Over the past week I have asked males from ages 16-24 a series of 10 questions regarding male mental heath. I hoped to open conversations about the topic and to improve my own understanding. I am anonymously sharing these answers in the hope to do the same for others. I had no idea quite how many people would respond, and in how much detail people would be willing to share their thoughts and experiences. Due to the overwhelming response I'm splitting this into two parts. Here's the first five questions I asked and the answers I received:

*most answers have been cut down*

1. How do you define well being?

“physical and mental stability and balance between the two”

“your body and your mind are healthy and you aren’t causing yourself harm”

“having happiness for myself and my life”

“that’s an individualistic thing, it completely depends upon who that person is and what their base level of comfort would be. I guess for me well being would be the periods in time where I feel capable of going about and doing my day to day life.”

“I see wellbeing split into physical (health, diet), mental (thoughts, feelings, attitudes) and social (relationships, professional). If all are balanced and positive and going well, then I’d say that’s well being.”

“I define it as being comfortable, healthy and happy”

“being of sound mental and physical health”

“being comfortable and happy with myself”

“how happy someone currently is with themselves and where they are in their life”

“being in a clear mental state and having good physical health”

“how you feel within yourself as well as how you are physically”

“a combination of someone’s mental, social and physical state, not only being free from illness and disease”

“being comfortable in who you are and the ability to deal with your negative emotions in a positive output.”

“a person’s state of mind in reference to themselves”

“the state in which you can accept and be happy with who you are no matter the circumstance. Which isn’t an easy thing to achieve.”

  2.   How do you define self care? What do you do for yourself in the context of self care?

“self care ranges from being selfish and doing things you want to do, to looking for help from a  counsellor or doctor”

“I personally listen to music and try to sleep or nap. I have drunk and done drugs before in order to cope but I guess it's not worth it and you end up hurting more people and not even fixing yourself a little bit”

“self care is your way of relaxing and bringing yourself back to yourself. My own self care is letting my emotions be emotions and then write down everything to look at another day.”

“self care to me is just looking after yourself and treating yourself for things that make you feel good, whether that be food, clothing etc. It’s almost like what your soul is calling out for when needed most.”

“eating correctly, sleeping 7-9 hours every day. For me it’s the periods of time where I find myself actually able to respect myself.”

“self care is a physical and mental thing. Taking care of your body and your diet, and resting adequately. Also the aesthetics of personal hygiene and grooming. Mental self care to me is regulating emotions and hormones, trying to keep stress free, staying out of hostile relationships, and using whatever avenue works for you to keep them regulated – whether that’s speaking to someone, relaxing, meditating. From personal experience if I feel like shit, I won’t care if I’m not clean shaved etc.”

“self care is looking after yourself and trying to keep yourself happy and healthy. I always try to give myself something interesting to do in order to care for myself. I also surround myself with loving and caring people.”

“taking the time to look after your mental health. When I’m having really rough patches I don’t do anything to help myself because I can’t. Little things such as changing clothes or even having a shower help massively but sometimes feel impossible.”

“going to extra measures to take care of your body, including things like face masks etc.”

“how well you look after yourself mentally and physically. For example, if things haven’t been going well at school or work, you should always keep a positive attitude in that there is always light at the end of the tunnel and you should never give up, which is what I do.”

“giving yourself adequate amount of time to relax and maintain physical fitness. Eating healthy, enough sleep, etc. I go to the gym and ensure I have at least 1 day a week for things that I want to do.”

“trying to look after yourself and maintain your wellbeing. I do very little in the form of self care, mainly because im not sure how to help myself other than making sure im physically well”

“anything we do to care for our own mental, social and physical state, anything to maintain one’s wellbeing”

“prioritising your mental health over other less important things in life and dealing with issues of depression and anxiety as problems themselves rather than worrying about what its manifesting itself into”

“being comfortable in who you are. I self-care by practicing things I’m good at as well as things I’m bad at so I don’t get depressed about my weaknesses.”

“I define self-care as what is necessary for you to be happy, although I think there is a line between self-care and selfish behaviour and that’s when it harms someone else in some way.”

 3.       Do you feel that pressures to be masculine have impacted your mental health throughout your life?

“I think it used to. I'm more inclined to be myself nowadays however there are times where I’ll stop myself in order to “fit in” better or not get friendzoned by a girl.”

“I feel like trans people feel more pressure to be more manly to pass better and it takes a lot out of people and my mental health has taken a toll.”

“in the dating world I guess. As I’m quite feminine, I feel like sometimes I have to hide that and then my mind has a battle on being myself or putting on a façade to ever be accepted in a loving relationship. I know relationships aren’t the most important thing, but everyone deserves love. Getting into your mind about yourself and how you should act, affects my mental health quite a lot when in reality it shouldn’t. But I can’t control how I feel.”

“probably yes. When I was younger I worried a lot about being masculine and that girls wouldn’t like me unless I followed some sort of basic pattern of masculinity.”

“Absolutely. I haven’t cried in years, I feel incapable of crying. I’m the man of my house, and if I show weakness then my family might not feel comfortable coming to me for comfort in fear of making me even more upset if I’m displaying emotion.”

“I do sometimes feel self-conscious about my body because I’m expected to be tall or muscular and sometimes that sort of pressure can be very tough.”

“Definitely towards the end of school and through sixth form. Lad culture is very toxic and shouldn’t be considered the norm.”

“to a certain extent. As a boy, most fathers tend to push their sons into being the alpha male, since this is what society has come to want from males, to be dominant and strong emotionally, mentally and physically.”

“Other than physical appearance, I do not think there are any pressures to be masculine. I do believe there are a number of misconceptions regarding masculinity.”

“Definitely. As a child I cried a lot and was vulnerable. I was picked on for that through primary school and the start of secondary school. At some point, I just decided that I would stop. I no longer let myself feel what I want to openly because I feel guilty and angry that I started crying and that I am weak.”

“To an extent yes because masculinity is this stigma attached to all men as something that is required/expected, so it definitely adds stress and affects mental wellbeing as it’s a constant worry of what you can and cannot do in order to maintain your image.”

“That’s difficult to measure because personal masculinity has definitely had positive outputs in my life and then led to feeling mentally good. I have felt pressured into certain scenarios to be a certain way which has led to isolation. I think in general I’m in a friendship group where people are open with serious mental health issues so I’ve never felt compelled to stuff feelings down if its bothering me because I know someone will understand.”

“I think the pressures of masculinity have impacted my mental health because they are a constant in my life.”

“Absolutely, although not always negatively, it’s natural for every group to have an idealized version of themselves whether it’s realistic or not, through quite a few hard times in my life what sort of “man I am” is a driving factor for what keeps me going. While it’s true that the feeling of not living up to what are thought to be masculine expectations can have seriously negative consequences socially and mentally, to me the idealized version of masculinity is the “keep on fighting” spirit because that’s achievable for any man and so it’s actually relevant to all of us.”

 

4.       Have you ever had to mask your feelings in order to appear masculine?

“Yes. So many times. I’m still doing it.”

“Yes, and a lot more than I would like to”

“I’m one of those people who wears my emotions on my sleeve. My expressions through my body language will fully express that. But I’m one of those people who feel the need to deal with my mental health alone. I rarely talk to people about it, not the fact I’m scared of help, it’s just more the fact that I’ve always dealt with it on my own. I know my mental health better than anyone else, and I know my advice for myself is better than most. So in all honesty, I’ve masked it, but not for protecting my masculinity.”

“Yeah that’s something I still do”

“Yeah absolutely. I think men are expected to be shoulders to cry on, not the ones to be crying onto someone else’s. Society now, even in the streets you hear young boys crying and their parents calling them little girls. I think it’s just the standard for society now.”

“I feel quite fortunate to have very good friends that I’m not afraid to show my feelings around.”

“In the past yes, but not now.”

“Yes I have. I really struggled to find the strength to tell my friends that when I was 15, I was forced into having sex with a girl. I found it incredibly emasculating so I didn’t tell my friends for a long time.”

“When I was younger yes, but now its more the legacy of that. I still bottle everything, even though I know I don’t have to anymore”

“Yes, all the time, especially within school. It’s very hard to be yourself in an environment where you are constantly judged and sometimes the only way to get through things is to mask who you really are.”

“I think in the past I would only hide feeling for fear of general judgement rather than fear of my masculinity. Although I am certain a lot of males in my age group supress feelings to each other because its seen to them as too messed up or deep for them to actually be dealing with.”

“I have tried to mask my feelings in order to appear masculine because there is a certain way I want to come across which some of my feelings don’t coincide with.”

“Yes, most men have. From my experience its more to do with the fact that I might not necessarily want to let my “guard down” and that the person in question might just not have done enough to be that close to me with”

 

5.       Are you more likely to talk to females, males or no one about your mental health?

“I think a mix of the two is good. I’d prefer to tell a friend over a family member.”

“Men and emotions don’t tend to mix because of that fear of being less masculine.”

“I don’t really talk about my mental health. I know I should but I have a constant fear of being put on medication or not being taken seriously as I had a huge problem with CAMHS when I was 16 and highly suicidal. So I think it might need a change and I should speak about it more.”

“It’s more dependent on who that person is and their relationship to me than their actual gender. Historically I’ve always talked to the girls I’ve been seeing about this sort of thing but normally they were the catalyst of the conversation instead of me.”

“Probably no one unless it’s forced upon me. I’ve been suicidal before and self-destructive until the point my parents have cornered me into talking. I saw a counsellor once that was male, he was a cool guy but I never went back.”

“I’m more likely to talk to males because most of my friends are male.”

“females 100%. Although I shut myself away completely when I’m struggling.”

“females or no one”

“If I’m talking about my mental health with males, it would only be with my best friends, but other than that, I prefer talking to females about it. I find it so much easier.”

“I would talk to either depending on the topic of discussion. I would be more comfortable talking to a man about issues regarding sex etc.”

“I will often talk to my female friends about it, however, almost never fully openly. There is not a chance in hell I’d talk to a guy about my feelings, in my experience I don’t feel that they could listen to me without making some comment.”

“Personally for me, no one. I don’t feel like it’s a thing I can easily talk to someone about.”

“In the past I would only talk to females about issues like these, but since discovering that a lot of males are willing to talk about these issues openly I would be more likely to talk to a male friend because I feel they’d be more personally able to relate to the issues.”

“I’m most likely to talk to no one about my mental health because I believe that I can deal with it on my own, even if that isn’t the best option. Out of the two other options I’d be more likely to talk to a female because I know other males will be more inclined to hide their own feelings when discussing it.”

“Personally, it’s all to do with trust, regardless of gender. If a person has shown that they trust me with confidence, then I know I can return it.”

 Thank you to every body who responded. I often get told that I'm brave for speaking up about my mental health, but these answers were so brave and honest. This gives me hope that things can change.
Part 2 will be posted next week x

Being Body Confident in Summer

BEING BODY CONFIDENT IN SUMMER

 

 

 I hate Summer. You sweat, you have no sense of routine, and then you sweat more. This has always been a time I’ve struggled with, having spent so many days and nights wishing I could just curl up in a jumper and drink hot chocolate. Unfortunately, the sun has been most stubborn this year, and it’s still going strong. Whilst the time for shorts is fucking terrifying, to put it lightly, we must power through this horrible, sweaty time. Here’s a few of my tips to feeling a little more body confident during Summer.

FIND STYLE INSPIRATION

I know that I’m not a size 6, so there’s no point me looking at size 6 people on Instagram and trying to look or dress like them. I love looking at people who have a more curvy body shape like me to get inspired and feel better about my body when I’m feeling crappy.

                                    

@_keira_rose_

                      @helenanderz

                                                                       

CULOTTES

The most flattering trouser shape I swear! These are the flowiest trousers so they’re really handy in the hot weather, but they also pinch in at the waist to make you waist look smaller and your legs look longer. They also go with evvveeerryyttthhhiiinnnggg so you can dress them up with a shirt or dress them down with a comfy top. They also give you lots of freedom to move around comfortably, but cover your legs if that’s an area of insecurity for you.

GET A GOOD FITTING BRA

THIS CHANGED MY LIFE! Having DD boobs is the bane of my life, and it was always something I hated about myself, however investing in a good bra that gave me the support I needed was the best thing I’ve ever done. Having your boobies all supported and happy really can help make your whole body look better proportioned. As much as I wish I didn’t have to wear a bra or could just wear a bralette, having my boobs looking nice and perky in a cute bra makes me feel so much better about myself.

DON’T FORCE YOURSELF TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE

There’s no point forcing yourself into those shorts from 2 summers ago that you’re never going to fit into. Sometimes it can be daunting and scary if you have to buy bigger sized clothing than you’re used to, but better fitting clothes are going to look better on you! All shops’ sizes come up differently so don’t worry if you find yourself buying bigger sizes, it’s worth it to look bomb in your new clothes. Similarly, you’re not going to feel comfortable in shorts or a skirt that keep riding up so make sure to try things on and be realistic.

  HAIR AND MAKEUP

When I’m wearing something that I feel a little bit out of my comfort zone in, I like to put extra effort into my hair and makeup. Whether this be curling my hair, wearing red lipstick or wearing false lashes, it helps me feel that people will be looking at me in a positive way. Also, when I look in a mirror, my eyes go straight to my makeup or hair rather than immediately picking out negative things about my body.

TAKE PICTURES

When you get a new outfit, or do your hair or makeup, there is no harm in being a little bit vain! When you’re not feeling as great about yourself you can look back on your selfies and see that you’re actually hot as hell! Finding an angle or lighting that works for you can help your confidence so much, and it can be good to spend some time just focusing on the positive aspects of your appearance.

HAVE FUN

I feel most confident when I’m on my own, in my underwear, listening to some music (usually the mamma mia 2 soundtrack), and just feeling myself. It’s okay to look at yourself in the mirror and think you look hot. You don’t always have to impress other people, sometimes you’ve just got to do things to make yourself happy and love yourself.

 GIVE LESS FUCKS

At the end of the day, when it’s hot outside, we’re all sweaty and hot and bothered. The best thing we can do is make sure we’re as cool and comfortable as we can be. As daunting as it can be to get some more skin out, people have fat, freckles, stretch marks and so on. Everyone’s body is beautiful.

 Disclaimer: I speak as an individual and these tips may not work for everybody. I also only speak for my own body shape – I am curvy, tall, and I have big boobs and a big bum. If you are struggling with your body image and it is impacting your wellbeing, confide in somebody you trust and seek out professional help where necessary.

Anxiety

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH ANXIETY

Having experienced anxiety my whole life, I started having panic attacks when I was in year 8. Prior to this I’d felt anxiety when going to new places or hanging out with new people but I never really recognised what it was and it was just passed off as me being ‘shy’, which was ironic as I was actually a really loud and confident person when I wasn’t in these situations that triggered my anxiety. Everyone experiences anxiety to some level throughout their lives whether they like it or not, and sometimes this is normal, for example being nervous for a job interview or before talking in front of lots of people. When your anxiety begins to impact your everyday life, is when it becomes a problem.

 MY FIRST PANIC ATTACKS

The first time this onset of uneven breathing, blurred vision and irrational thinking came over me in the lovely package of a panic attack, I didn’t really know what was happening to me. I remember it clearly despite it being such a blur at the time. I was lying in bed, a perfectly happy young girl, and suddenly a feeling of dread came over me, and that’s when it started, and didn’t really stop. This continued every other day for around a month. Petrified of what was happening to me, I didn’t really tell anybody. Being the lil youth I was, I looked online for help, most notably watching a Zoella video about anxiety and panic attacks. In no way do I wish to praise Zoella, but this video did help me to understand what I was going through. It’s good to know that you’re not alone and that you’re not going insane.

SPEAKING OUT

Whilst this was happening to me, I knew I needed help, and I knew the first step of this would be to tell my mum. The thing is, I didn’t know how. Mental health was never really something that had been spoken about openly whilst I was growing up and so I didn’t really think that my mum would understand, despite the fact that we had a good relationship and I knew could trust her. One night however, I just gave in, feeling helpless and alone. Mid-panic attack, I went into my mum’s room, covered in nervous sweat, consumed by uneven breaths, with the usual feeling of dread and a cloudiness of thoughts. I said something along the lines of “I can’t breathe, I’m having a panic attack, this keeps happening to me”. I don’t remember her exact response – this was five years ago! – but I remember her comfort and acceptance. I remember conversations in days following this, when she’d tell me that everything I was worrying about, I would no longer be worrying about in two weeks, and I just had to let the feeling pass. Although this is no overwhelming advice, I still use it now, knowing that all anxiety will eventually pass. What was now becoming a routine of panic attacks however did not pass, and I needed more serious help.

GETTING BETTER

A key part to my recovery from anxiety was the help I received from my friends. Having previously had low attendance at school due to what developed into a fear of leaving the house, these people made me enjoy going to school as I always had a great time hanging out with them. We’d also hang out over the weekends which really helped develop my confidence and made me readjust to going to new places. I knew they were always proud of me for my growth and always there for me when I struggled, which was something I really needed at the time.

I think one of the reasons that anxiety is so difficult for me, is because I never really did get truly better. Although it comes in waves, it does impact me greatly from time to time. However, I don’t let it impact me so much or hold me back anymore. I saw what it did to my life before and I don’t want to have to go through that again.

TIPS

KEEPING BUSY - Now I know that if my anxiety is about going out, it’s better for me to go out and do the thing that I’m scared of rather than stay at home and wallow in self-pity. If I keep myself busy and occupied with tasks I enjoy, I won’t think so much about what I’m dreading.

CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE - Another way to think about things you’re anxious about, is to know that if you’re anxious about something, that’s because its important and it matters to you, which is a really good thing actually. When you’re nervous, it gives your body a little bit more energy and makes you a little more alert, which can be really helpful for when you’re nervous about things like tests or travelling.

PLAN AND PREPARE – If you know you’ve got something coming up that you’re nervous about, prepare for it! Say it’s a day out, write down everything that you need to bring with you, what you’ll be doing at what time, what you’ll eat, how you’ll travel and what you’ll do if something goes wrong. This’ll make you reassured that the day will go well!

WRITE DOWN YO FEELINGS – At the end of each day, it’s cathartic and therapeutic to write down the good and bad parts of your day. It’ll help you to identify the good and eliminate the bad. It can be tiny stuff as well, like if a smile from a stranger cheered you up, write it down, or if you had your favourite meal, write it down! This’ll help you to appreciate all the good things even if everything feels bad. Writing down the bad stuff is good too, as it’ll help you recognise patterns. For example, I found a trigger for my anxiety was my sister being mean to me (sorry Chaz, but you were a bitch), and this helped me to realise that we needed some time apart to help my brain. Writing shit down can also be a good distraction from things you’re worrying about, and can also allow you to get creative with cute drawings or coloured pens. All my notebooks are filled with pink pen, I love that shit.  

TALK TO PEOPLE – Anxiety can leave you feeling really lonely. Talking to your friends and family is so important. I remember saying to my dad “I don’t expect you to understand, but I expect you to be understanding”, and I think that sums it up. Not everyone is going to get it, because it is one of those things you can only understand if you experience it first hand, but if you’re open and honest it makes it easier for the people that are close to you to give you all the love and support you deserve!

WHATS THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN? – One of the things that gets me reaaaaallll anxious nowadays is when I have to speak in public. But I literally just think to myself “what’s the worst that can happen?”. I could say a word wrong? I might have to pause and take a deep breath? But if that happens, who the fuck cares? I’ve got my driving test coming up and I’m really nervous for it but like, the worst that can happen is I fail, and sure that would be annoying, but I’d just do the test again. Everything doesn’t always go smoothly, and that’s okay, but if something doesn’t go quite right that doesn’t mean the universe is going to explode.

GET HELP – Although it took me a painful amount of doctors’  visits to actually get help, it is really important to try. There is support out there and the more you go to the doctors and the more honest you are, the more likely you are to get it. I’m going to do a separate blog post on my experience with the NHS and counselling throughout my anxiety and depression, because it can be a pain in the ass.

All in all, don’t let yourself suffer alone. Anxiety can honestly suck a dick but there are people out there that can help you, and you can help yourself. Different things work for different people but hopefully reading this can help any little anxious beans. Stay wonderful x

My Favourite Poems I've Written

Sometimes life is hard and sometimes we don't know how to deal with that. Now that I'm older and I cant go crying to my mum all the time (although I still do sometimes), I find poetry a really good way to get out how I'm feeling. Throwing random words at a page in a random order and seeing what comes of it is really cool. So here are my some of my favourite poems I have ever written!


Written: April 2018
Title: All I've Lost

Started with a mutual love for the simple things,
No wonder it got so complicated,
It's all inside my head.

From the tear in my eye to the tear in my heart,
The temptation to re-open my scars,
It hurts to admire you so.

If time is of the essence, I am essentially nothing,
A central catalyst of hopelessness,
My brain plagued by my heart,
It beats only for you.

Hurt me or adore me,
You won't do both,
You can't do both.

The clouds seep through my skull,
Hands meet, lips touch, lives collide, hearts bleed,
You're not listening.

All this bullshit for an audience of one,
You're playing with my heart as I play my words back over in my head,
Close your eyes and lean in.

I won't pretend the scars don't exist,
Another thing we have in common,
Let your darling head get some rest.

A snowflake in the sun,
Fading away,
That smile. Your eyes.

Your tears just won't fall,
Won't you fall for me?
The same three lines, calling out for you.

What have we done to each other?
What have I become?
A girl that loved a girl with a beautiful smile.


Written: March 2018
Title: You

Does fear exert my loneliness?
You're not what I expected,
Just a little more kind.
Not want what I wanted,
But everything I needed,
Lust and expectation.

How is everything so different when so little has changed?
I'll forgive you for the words you said. You gave me someone else to strike my hopeless words at when Cupid got sick.
Three years on and I think it's about time.

If time is of the essence then where is the sense of urgency?
Your company is not the kisses I crave,
Your words can't touch,
Touching distance.

Am I weaker?
It's not that I'm a product of infatuation,
Distraction won that game,
I just somehow want you closer when you're right inside my head.

How is it that you've entered my dreams?
I let you into my head and now you paralyse my thoughts whilst I lay in bed,
Not begging but hoping as a girl so hopeless, helpless, I'm always less.

Have I found the strength that allows me to feel?
These words aren't daggers,
They're mirrors so you can see what the fuck you're doing to me,
What I wish you could be doing to me.

Written: February 2018
Title: Deceptive Beauty

Your lips on mine, sealed.

Time on our hands but our hands in each other’s.

Buried, smothered, lost.

A skeleton with bones of deception,

An infallible smile,

As lonely as a rose in the desert.

My left thigh burned as your eyes met my scars,

You knew you weren’t discrete when you hung my head in your noose and it was no secret when you choked me with your lies,

What lies under that façade?

I may be a liability but I can see you lying to me as you lie with me,

You hide a smile that I can see.

Scheduling affections, cutting them before they overgrow,

Not letting anybody see the rose-tinted hurt,

Hurt me again, I dare you to try,

With your heartbeat nearly as loud as your breath on my neck you cut open,

Your eyes, striking me…buried, smothered, lost.

I could have been dreaming.  I didn’t say no,

To your kisses or goodbyes whilst I choked on another try,

Try it one more time, you said. There was so much you left unsaid.

Oblivious hands meet for a night as cold as the way you looked at me last fall,

Fall into my arms before I fall for your lies.

You can’t speak when you’re dead,

Buried, smothered, lost.

I choose your poisoned kiss.

You will be the sadness in my eyes and the muse from which I thrive.

Losing myself at the thought of losing you.

You tugged at my mind with empty metaphors and promises far before you tugged at my clothes.

Trapped in this lust disguised as devoted trust disguised as mortal…or moral.

If this were written in the stars then I don’t want to join the dots,

The lie we lived infects your skull,                   

All you owe to me is goodbye and all I know of you is your lie.

Here’s my second wish, chance, attempt,

Has my skin been turned inside out? Is that why I’m numb?

When you shut the door on an old lie after risking the bittersweet truth,

The victim turned lover becomes an enemy turned stranger,

The petals become blood…you touch them like it’s nothing.

Written: November 2017

Title: Winter

Cold hearts fade in the company of the shattered stars that fall from the sky whilst eyes become heavy and hands become limp,

Minds become frail and hearts become open,

Skin becomes frozen and lips become parted,

Truths become heavy and the night becomes a torrent of whispers you can't get back.

With awe we look but don't dare touch,

Cold under the skin, it's running through your bones,

Ice for a heart,

How long till it shatters?

The night's so cold I can see my breath,

Frozen in my tracks as I reach for a flame,

It's not the winter I was scared for but the darkness that will drown me,

Heart pounding, not beating.

Delirium or normality or just a tormented heaven?

It was you that took my heaven away,

I'm trying to forgive but learning to hurt,

I'm leaning in for "goodbye" whilst your grip tightens on my neck.

You're playing hard so get a grip,

You're listening close to a tape of misery,

There's a noose around your neck and a knife piercing your heart,

How did you choke me? My heart isn't beating for you.

Nothing at all pretty about the way that you pleaded,

Was it forgiveness you needed or a night in someone's arms?

He's holding me now, holding me back.

He's scaring me now, he's just like you.

He's touching me now, I'm crawling away.

I'm spelling your name out of tales and lies,

I'm choking on your words, you were never quite the same,

I'm biting my lip, not yours, my own,

It's just not the same.

I'm scared, not inviting your affections, intentions or persuasions,

Not knowing your strengths or lack thereof. 

So when the snow falls,

I'll make an angel, not a promise,

And when the night comes,

My haunted dreams will be real.

When you walk away,

I'll be a martyr, not a saint.

One last kiss - it's lust, not love.

Growth

WAYS I'M TRYING TO BETTER MYSELF 

HELPING THE ENVIRONMENT:

For two and a half years now I've been vegan, which is gosh darn good for the planet if I do say so myself. Going without paper for one year saves 8.5 trees but going without beef for one year saves 3432 trees! It's just as well really because I'm pretty sure I'd fail my A Levels if I tried to do them without any paper. As much as my lifestyle saves rain forests,animals and water supplies, there comes a time when you feel like what you're doing isn't enough. This is why I'm kind of grateful for the way that the shittiness of plastic has become such a big deal. As much as I didn't want to be a plastic free hippie, I don't want to be hurting cute, little turtles! That's why I made the simple change of getting a reusable water bottle (a cute one with avocados on) and a reusable metal cup (as I am addicted to iced vanilla soya lattes) so I'm not buying hella plastic water bottles and hella Starbucks cups! Good shit.

                                                             

CUTE FRIENDS:

I don't think you realise how much the people that you are friends with make an impact on you until you are lucky enough to have pals that make you happier than you have ever been. My friends are supportive, encouraging, and they also tell me when I'm being an idiot which is good too. Most importantly, they are so fucking funny. Shoutout to Eleanor for being a cute Shetland pony, Oonagh for being the honorary Communist, Tino for being a Depop Queen, Eva for being the intellectual, Rose for being adorable and all my work friends too for being cuties. My friends really do make me a better person.

                                                   

PUSHING MYSELF OUT OF COMFORT ZONES:

If you told my mentally and physically ill 15 year old self that had just started her new job that now she would have supervised at work for a weekend, she would have been shook. Going from having heart palpitations every time I spoke to a customer to being able to lead a little team is something I'm really proud of. 

Another way I've pushed myself the fuck out of my comfort zone is with my driving. With my test in 3 weeks time, I've been driving myself to work in my mum's car, doing big scary roundabouts, dual carriageways and hill starts. Good shit.

                                                       

ORGANISATION:

mY GOODNESS have I been busy lately. Being at school Mon-Fri and working weekends is fucking tiring and so I've had to force myself to be organised. Luckily, making lists and shit is something I've always enjoyed, so the notes section on my phone is filled with to do lists. My newest love is also google calendars - my calendar is colour coded and everything ;)

                                                    

HYRDATION:

oh my GOD DRINKING WATER IS SO IMPORTANT. Stay hydrated friends, your brain and body will thank you.

                                                        

To conclude, I'm not a perfect person and I definitely never will be, but here's some small ways I'm trying to make myself better x

                                                  

Advice for Eating Disorder Recovery - Lessons I've Learnt

Eating disorder recovery is hands down the most difficult and exhausting thing I have ever experienced. Therefore, if I can use my experience to help others in any way, you can bet your ass I'm going to. I'd like to leave a disclaimer that everybody is different and things that helped me and that I experienced may be entirely different for other people. I am also in no way a trained professional and can only speak from my experience.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED:

Night Sweats:

Disgusted is the only word I can think of to explain the feeling when night after night I was waking up covered in my own cold sweat. My bed sheets would be soaking wet and I would be freezing cold. It would get so bad that it would often wake me in the night...it was a pain in the ass. After some research, I discovered that this is what can happen to your body when your metabolism starts working properly again. This is highly common in eating disorder recovery and is a signal of hyper-metabolism. For me, this only lasted for the first couple of weeks of recovery, however this of course may vary for others. The best advice I can give is to be prepared. If you live with other people, let them know what is happening to your body and maybe do some research on the subject together, as this will likely be something that is new to you all. Quite frankly, the only thing you can really do is get on with it. Make sure that you have clean bedsheets ready, should you need to change them in the middle of the night, so that you can change them as quickly as possible and disturb your sleep as little as possible. Sleep in loose and comfortable clothing. Remember that this is a positive sign that your body is starting to recover!


Second Puberty
Another one you might not have known even existed. Puberty is shit, and it's shit when it happens to you twice. For the people with vaginas, if you lost your period during your eating disorder (as I did for around 10 months), you will get your "first period" again. Your period is one of the first things that will go when you lose weight as your body will automatically shut down this system as a way of survival. I didn't get my period back until around 2 months into recovery, despite the fact that I had gained weight quickly. Your body just has to adjust again! Either way, be ready with painkillers and sanitary products as your period could come back at any time. As part of recovery, as well as eating more, I had to give up exercise to put as little strain as possible on my body as it recovered. As well as the period, I got my bad skin back. This is another normal part of puberty that I had to experience yet again. Much of this couldn't be controlled as it was hormonal but drinking lots of water and having a good skincare routine obviously helps! The most exciting part of second puberty however, was getting my boobs back!


Bloating
As you start reintroducing more food into your diet, bloating is a highly likely consequence. This is mainly because your body won't be able to digest food as quickly as it could before. Although this can be very uncomfortable, don't hate your food baby! The best bloating advice I can give is to use a hot water bottle when you feel discomfort, and to always wear loose, comfortable clothing.


Extreme Hunger
I have mentioned this in my previous blog posts, and it remains the hardest part of recovery for me. I will do a separate post about this in more detail, but my best advice in terms of dealing with it, is to just accept it. Make sure you have plenty of food accessible to you. Don't worry about eating lots of junk food or food with high sugar content as after your body has been starved, this is most likely what it will crave. Listen to your body, as it is actually trying to help you. Although I feel that this is something a person cannot understand until they have experienced it firsthand, I recommend trying to have conversations with people that you spend a lot of time with about it. Time and time again I tried to explain it to my friends and family and they just never seemed to get it. Do your research on it so that you can understand it more in order to help other people understand. In my recovery, I also became very self conscious as people started to become aware of the amount that I was eating, but it is crucial to remember that those closest to you would rather you ate endlessly than starved yourself into illness. As horrible as extreme hunger is, I think it is the main thing that stopped me from relapsing. I physically could not restrict my food intake anymore as my body felt like it was screaming out for food in a way I could not ignore, and it made me not want to relapse as I knew that if I did, I would be back at square one with extreme hunger. It's uncomfortable and it's terrifying but it does gradually get better.


Weight distribution
All my weight went to my face and stomach. I'm not kidding. This was a very obvious and very quick change to the way I looked. My face had gone from being gaunt and lifeless to being plump and round. My stomach went from being pulled tight around my hip bones and barely concealing my ribs to me genuinely looking kinda pregnant. As I said, this change was fast and difficult to adjust to. Again, the best advice I can give is to just wear loose, comfortable clothing. Your weight will automatically go to your stomach as this is where your organs like your liver and intestines are. All 'fat' will go there in order to protect your organs. With a lot of my weight going to my face, I felt self conscious as this was a change that was very visible to other people. In this case, it is important to remember that you are on your own journey and no one else dare criticise the way you look in the face of bravery.

OTHER ADVICE:

Don't weight yourself
A massive part of an eating disorder can often be obsessing over numbers. Don't give in to this - if you are in recovery you need to let go of this obsession, and your weight is just another number you don't need to worry about. You need to let go of the control that you have over your body and allow it to do what it needs to do to repair and heal itself. You will need to gain weight in order to become healthy again, and that is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Don't count calories
Calories are also another number you don't need to worry about! Whilst it is worth asking another person to overlook your food intake to make sure that you are eating enough to allow your body to recover, you shouldn't be trying to control or restrict your intake anymore. Unfortunately, during an eating disorder you do tend to memorise the amounts of calories in certain foods. Stop looking at packets to see the amount of calories, ask other people to cook meals for you and eat food for the nutrition it will give to your body - not the amount of calories in it. Delete any calorie counting apps from your phone - they just get too tempting! It might even be a good idea to just not go on your phone will you are eating to allow yourself to actually enjoy the meal.

Distract yourself after mealtime
This is the sort of time you might start thinking about calories or feeling guilt or feeling like exercising or purging. These are not the thoughts that will lead you to recovery, and if you want to recover you have to change your thought pattern. After a meal, watch a TV programme or read a book or call a friend. Anything that can stop you from having these destructive thoughts can be beneficial.

Meal Plan
This can help, but don't obsess over it! This may give you a good opportunity to eat with your friends or family, but bear in mind that your body may need more food to recover, and so you may need to eat bigger portions. Don't be afraid to talk to people about this and don't be ashamed! In terms of meal planning, I think it's best to create a loose plan, and not to get annoyed at yourself if you don't stick to it. Furthermore, make your meal plan as a minimum of what you will eat, not a maximum. Eat what's on your meal plan but don't be scared to have seconds or snacks in between!

Eat regularly
An eating routine that worked well for me was breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, night snack. Eating regularly can help get your body used to digesting food properly again, and can give you some structure to help you start eating 'normally' again. Whether you eat every hour or every three hours, having regular meals and snacks can be so helpful!

Enjoy food!
This is my final and most important tip. You have likely just starved yourself for a long period of time, missing out on something that should be enjoyable! Enjoy meals with your family and friends, try new foods, go to new restaurants! Remind yourself that food is something that keeps you alive, and something that should be enjoyed, not something that should be controlled or restricted.

I am an eating disorder survivor, and I'll do anything I can to help anyone I can survive too.