January 2019

First month in, and already so much has happened! The year started off wonderfully, and I could not believe how lucky I was. We picked up our new doggy on the 5^th of January. He is a rescue dog called Stevie, and I honestly love him with my whole heart. I have always wanted a dog, and as much as I love animals, I didn’t realise how much love you could have for one little four-legged creature until now. I am so happy that him and his waggy tail are there for me when I’m sad or anxious, and taking him for walks is so therapeutic.

              As much as circumstances were brilliant at the beginning of the year, this was tainted by a lot of anxiety. I now only have around 4 months left of school, which is exciting, but also terrifying, as my exams in Summer will determine whether I get into my first choice university or not. I’ve been working my ass off, whilst juggling a lot of anxiety and depression, which has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do.

              On the subject of mental health, I actually got my act together a bit. After meaning to for around a year, I finally went to the doctor’s about my mental health, and have been referred for some therapy, which I am so thankful for. I received therapy when I was younger – I actually got discharged exactly three years ago! – and found it very helpful to just talk to someone and have an outsider’s perspective on my life and my troubles. It doesn’t seem to me like a failure to have to go back, I feel proud of myself for being brave enough to do it, and I’m so excited to receive the help I so desperately need.

              In order to take care of myself better and to really work for the grades I need, I made the decision this month to hand in my notice at work. I’ve been in the same job for two years and absolutely love it, but losing a day every week that could be spent sleeping and/or doing school work was causing a lot of stress, which was detrimental to my health. Although I love earning my own money, it’s a sacrifice I’ve had to make for myself, and again, I am proud of myself for being brave enough to do what I know is right for me.

              Excitingly, I turned 18 this month! My friends and family helped make the day super special, and celebrating it with all the people I care about made me feel so lucky. To everyone I saw either on my birthday or at my party, I fucking love you and am glad to have you in my life. Having my birthday slap bang in the middle of the month was actually perfect for me, as it allowed me to get my head off all the things that were worrying or stressing me and just have fun.

              Honestly, this month has been super difficult, and I’ve hit some absolute lows, but luckily, I feel more equipped than I ever have done to cope with my negative thoughts and feelings. Spending time with friends and family, reading, writing and taking Stevie for walks are all things that have made me feel more like myself. 2019 has been rocky so far, and I definitely had some 2018 issues seep through the stroke of midnight which had promised so much change. I’m making changes in my life that have been long overdue, and I’m giving myself the time and love I deserve. Bring on February x

2018 - What The Fuck Was That

It’s time to say goodbye and good riddance to 2018. I took a different approach to this year, knowing I wanted it to be different to the rest. I decided that I would keep track of every time something majorly good or bad happened to me, to see if good periods would follow bad ones, or if any sort of pattern would approach. I wanted to see whether more good or bad things would happen in the year, so I could really determine whether 2018 was a ‘good’ year for me.

              I didn’t get the results I wanted unfortunately - the bad things far outweighed the good, with my only major positives either being academic ones, and passing my driving test. The first difficulty of the year was having a grandparent pass away. Up until this year, I’d never lost a family member, or anyone close to me for that matter. I lost my Nana at the beginning of the year, and then lost my Grandad in Summer. Whilst this is of course sad, I did what I always do to deal with emotion, and just kept busy. The night my Nana died, I went to a concert, and then went into work the next day. I know when someone dies and you have fun, people tell you not to feel bad about having fun because its “what they would have wanted”, but when they passed, I wasn’t thinking of them, I was thinking about myself. I was thinking about what was next for me. It was probably a terrible thing to do, and I’ve probably internalised a lot of emotion, but I’m not a family person and didn’t have many memories of my grandparents that passed, so it honestly didn’t impact me that much. I feel guilty, and like I should have been hurt by this more, but I wasn’t. The thing that made it difficult was my parents being upset. It made for some difficult times in 2018.

              All in all, when I wrote down each thing that happened, whether good or bad, it seemed like such a massive deal at the time, and looking back now, it all seems so irrelevant. I’m no longer hurt by any of the bad things that happened, but also no longer particularly happy about any of the good things that happened either. Maybe it’s good that I’ve learnt to move on from everything, but it seems an awful big shame that I feel entirely neutral to a whole year of my life.

              Saying that, I think if ‘beginning of 2018’ Hannah could see ‘end of 2018’ Hannah, she’d be happy. I’ve got all my university offers and know exactly where I want to be next year. I’ve worked hard and gotten good grades. I have the supportive group of friends that I needed all along. I’ve managed to keep my mental health afloat (just about at times). I’ve learnt to value kindness above anything else in the world, and that if something isn’t right, you need to change it. I've learnt to always trust my gut feeling.  I’m probably more optimistic now that I was at the beginning of the year, and I think that’s what keeps me going. I’m ending 2018 admitting that it wasn’t smooth sailing, but knowing that I had some really fucking happy times. I’m happy now, and I’ve got big plans for 2019.